jjfjf

hmmmmm
well
i dont really care about anything
just feeling the rage.
ragggeee.
not as in the australian early morning / late night music video show, as in the emotion.
so much rage. um. so i would like to go out and possibly drink a lot and maybe do some drugs and then die.
but no.
i have no friends. my friends are all oh-so-responsible.
drink in moderation, if at all.
have no fun.
fuuuu.
what is this even?

oh, i deleted that tumblr i linked to in my last post, i deleted my facebook and irl tumblr as well. its very liberating.

um.
i want to go on a murder suicide rampage.
actually no i don't just a suicide rampage.
or get drunk make new friends and have a hot man.
but what are you gonna do?

so i lost a follower after my last post.
i'll probably lose a few more now.
yeahh i'm just not up with the whole blogging dealio.
not eating is no longer an effective coping mechanism for me.
bah
i still love you lola-rose.

i might go sleep now. to sleep, perchance to dream. yeah quoting hamlet right there. and you know what that quote was about? suicide. yeah. appropriate.
waeva.
bye my lover/s

i rlly dont like e rite nao btw. wat a dick-face.
luffff yousss. <#<#33<#3,

MY CREATIVE JUICES ARE LIMITED.

by the fact i can't make 70 posts in a night without looking like a dick. as such i am going to tumblr.
i'll probably still go here y'know whatever.
but do you do tumblr? its pretty gay over there with all there triangles and shit.
not gay in a homophobic way AIM SORRY but there are allotta people thjat lover the same sexx on that site.

anyway you can maybe find me here if i remember to keep doing it


REMEMBER WHEN I WAS SO VERY HOPELESS
DARLING HE'S GONNA MAKE IT ALL BETTER.

http://glovesandshit.tumblr.com/

there.
reallll whimsical url hey. gotta be whimsical if you wanna survive on tumblr.
not really though.
anyway.
yeah.
i might sleep now.
i love you so hard .

What is this I can't even.

hey hey yo all ma bitchez yeah.
so
what
i'm in the middle of exams
very important exams
the second most important exams i will ever do in my school life
BUT WHATEVER
maths is tomorrow
I HATE MATHS
i am really tired E stayed over last night and we watched 'la vie en rose' that went til 2am and was complicated and beautiful and in french.
and the night before that i watched 'trivial matters' which was complicated and in cantonese and very amusing.
but i should be studying.
but i don't care.
i'm too tired.

i don't know. i feel obliged to mention food.
what can i say? i'm very fat. well. i should be very fat. but i haven't gained anoymore than a kg since i was last here.
i eat so much. i kind of want to fall over and die sometimes. most of the time. whatever.

uhm. i really can't wait to finish school...
and leave australia.
or at least this place in which i live. i'll go to melbourne and have a beautiful boyfriend and we will have endless hot sex and drink wine on the rooftop of our apartment at night. and go out to see bands and have a multitude of social acquaintances but no internet or tv and i will work as a.. primary school teacher. i mean i don't want to be unrealistic or anything. so i'll just be a primary school teacher. but he'll be an events manager. and meet everyone. take us back stage. and all the kids i teach will love me and i'll dye my hair wild colours and i'll be that crazy teacher everyone wants to get as a sub.

that's what i want right now.
or i want to go into the bush. camping. with about 10 people i don't know very well. or even the 4 people i do know. and we will all get so drunk we wont remember our own names let alone our problems. and there will be a camp fire and tents and i will go and camp with an attractive mysterious stranger, who's very tall and smells like smoke and has a bit of stubble and wears a leather jacket. but he wont wear it for long.

well. this post managed to say nothing in a lot of words but i just want to talk with someone on the phone about everything. but someone who doesn't see me every day. someone who i see very occasionally. and when i do see him/her we will talk to each other only the whole time no matter who else is there. but if it's a man there wont be any sexual tension. none.

I'm back. Photos!

So I'm back from Melbourne. I had a fast day up there and an awful lot of eating in between. But yeah E didn't even say anything when I didn't eat anything all day. Woohooo.
However one of the days in which he didn't eat much I was all "don't you want some lunch or something" and he was like "no, coz I'm ancora and I starve myself lol". Me - "hahah"... awkward. Anyway I did eat a lot of food and now I'm home with just my brother and our parents are away so we keep cooking really intense vegetarian meals. Like last night we made leek agnollotti with capsicum sauce. We made our own agnolotti! Impressive. Makes me fat though, so hmmm.. I don't know I think I will fast throughout days and then just only eat dinner, because cooking is really fun to be honest. Exccept now I'm really poor. Oh and me and E didn't.. ahem. Yeah was nothing there at all so that'll probably never happen but it is probably better as it would make for an awkward friendship.

I bought some really great shoes though. And melbourne is generally great. I will put up some photos when I get them developed because I'm so old school and use analouge cameras.

Oh I could throw up because then I still get to cook and eat.. but don't really want to go down that path. Oh well.

So now I'm going to do lots of Italian homework! Yay subjenctive past tense. I will also have to catch up on blogs.

Ah but here are some from my digital camera. Yay. I'll take them down soon. When I remember.

bam gone

E has a rlly thin thigh and it makes me jealous i can not put my hands around mine gosh.


That was a bit long. <3

Bye guys.

Ok I'm off to Melbourne tomorrow, E's coming over in about 10 minutes though so I shan't be on til Monday.
So have fun and be slim.

How am I going? Meh. Healthy at least, I had a sundae at work yesterday:( it was free, see? Inexcusible.

Also I was 68kg at the end of my fast, back to 69 now.
Anywho.

Oh here comes the car. Must go. Also, me and E have baking plans.. uh oh.

Love.

Ohhhh food is so gross.

All up in my tummy. Yuk.

So yesterday I had some soy crisps and dates and then some malteasers and a 'chicken deluxe' burger, without the chicken. After work at 10pm. And I went to E's grandmas and ohh how I wanted to throw up I was so close but I would've been heard but I felt so gross and sick. Moral of the story - don't eat.

So today I've had 2 pieces of toast. Why oh why did I do that? I don't even know. I just feel yuk again. So I'd like that to be all. I work from 1-5 so I can pretend I ate lunch there and something at 5 which means I don't need dinner. Beh.

Then E is coming over tomorrow night and we're going to Melbourne on Friday. Yayayay.

Love.

My cat smells like farts.

Oh also it says I have 2 comments but when I try to look at them I can't see them so I don't know what's going on there. I might change to I have to moderate the comments just so I can see them all. Anyway.

BAH

So hungry oh my stomach, it's officially been a 48 hour fast now so I'm thinking I might break it now rather than wake up in the middle of the night from hunger and binge.

Ok... I'm going to go eat a slice of toast some veges and no fat yogurt now.


Hmm just came back from changing the cats kitty litter and have second thoughts, all that is too much. I'm just going to have tea and toast, then a multi vitamin. Cool. And maybe just some peas/carrots.

Also tomorrow I'm out with friends from 9am - 10pm so dunno what to do about eating.. we shall see.


EDIT: (possibly triggering scroll over to read) That piece of toast is the most amazingly delicious thing I have ever eaten in my life. Ever. Wow.

Hahahh

Just on youtube, looking at things as I continue my fast when this came up;

No I wont have a kit-kat thanks.

Anywho I'm not hungry anymore. Was so hungry this morning, now I'm just tired and light headed. Yeah. Hard to think/type anything relavent.

There are some really bad ana movies out there. Quite hilariously bad really.

And some really boring people who talk about their lives.

We just got fast internet so I never usually use youtube so its all a new experience.

Anyway, my cat's laying on my keyboard swo its quite hard to type.

Farewell.

Oooo.

Well the fasty fast of today is going well. I worked from 6-2 with no problems, just hada tea and some apple juice. Then had a tea when I got home and now 'tis 7pm.
I am home alone which is so lovely, no one to tell me to eat. I may fast again tomorrow if I can manage it, as I am not working. Hmmm. I should do some Italian homework.

Well I am rather tired and head achey, and am trying to avoid thoughts of food with not so much interesting news. So I'll just go watch Merlin. My life is oh so interesing.

But I'm going to Melbourne on Friday, with E, coming back Monday. Plan on not eating Saturday or Sunday. We'll see.

Bye bye.

Oh my.

So.... it all ate more than was planned sad face:(

I had some toast in the middle of the night at E's yesterday. Then today had a custard tart (which was gross), and some small chips. And I did steal some malteasers. E got caught and in troubleeeee. Ahha. And I had a bit of enchilada for dinner, so I was on my feet running around at work all day but I still feel fat. And I weighed myself (at night with clothes and food weight) and I was 69.6 which is lower than I deserved so that's good.

I'm going to fast with Marcus and Lucy tomorrow. Not sure how long for. I'm working 6am - 2pm. Hmm. I might allow myself apple and orange juice, but that's all. Thennn I'm home alone for 3 days! Yay! No eating. Extended fast..? See how I go, my initial intense motivation is gone so it shall be slightly harder. But anyway.

Farewell. No eating tomorrow! I will wear the red bracelet! Yay!
Love.

Beh.

So yesterday was ok with the dinner. Had some cous cous an egg and some vegetables, no empty calories at least. Then today I successfully avoided breakfast, hmm.. but at recess I had a muffin and a dim sim. Yeah. Damn it. And an egg for lunch. Shit.
And I got out of school early yay.
Oh well this can be an avoid binge day. So I will go to work, not eat then stay at E's grandmas coz its easy to not eat there, then tomorrow I shall work 9-5.. I will eat a banana and pear. Um.. then go home. Then I will eat some dinner because on Sunday I have 6am - 2pm so another apple there. Then home and sleep. Yay.

So what happened today? 'twas the awards thing at school, I did not get an award *shock horror* but while I was sitting there and everyone else was getting awards a big serious teacher came up to me and was like 'you know who I think is the smartest person in year 12 is?" And basically implied that I'm oh so smart and have so much potential and would be so great if I ever did any work. Sigh. How embarrassing. I'm wasting my school life I suppose.. oh well. Potential's no good when it comes to it. Beh watcha gonna do?

Ok I'm going to sleep now so I don't get angry at E whilst we work. Yes we work together. I spend more time with that boy than my parents I swear. Anyway.

Yo

Hi there.

So athletics carnival today = good. I ate 3 apples again, and tea. Left my water bottle at E's though so I'll have to get a new one. I am so sick of APPLES. My god. Anyway they are my safe food.
Now.. I ate three apples and did a few athletical events, um so that is good, I am still going to L's tonight though so I'll have to eat. Beh. And hmm yes all in all should be ok, Friday I should be able to miss dinner, Saturday I'll be working all day and pretend to have eaten there. Cool. So. All's well I suppose.

Farewell ladies. Or lady as it were :p

Oh and I think I'm around 69.2kgs now (how embarresment) so that's down about 2kgs. Cool.

Yum.

Intake;
3 apples
1 small roll with egg.
Lots of tea and water. That's quite good, all things considered.
I went to E's, they had nachos, doritos, potato cakes and chips, andd chocolate. Bam I ate an apple. I do get angry a lot easier when restricting though. So I got grumpy with him a bit. Anywho.

So that went well, now tomorrow is the athletics carnival at school. Contrary to popular belief this isn't a good thing. Hmm. I'll just have apples, watevs.

So.. I'll be back on Saturday. Oh wait I'm coming home tomorrow afternoon before going to my friends house. Cool. Anyway. Byes.

Success!

A good day is good.

Intake;
1 cup of my mother's "diet soup". Basically tomato and cabbage with stock in water
2 apples
About 1.5 cups of rice and vege stir fry.

Hmm cool.

Now tomorrow I'm going to E's, Thursday I'm going to another friends and Friday I'm staying at E's grandmas. Tricky.. tricky..
Maybe I'll be like Lucy and try Cassie's way. Hum dee dum. It'll be fine. I do have to focus on avoiding the maccas, damn where I work. You know they have malteasers in Sundaes now? So easy to steal them. Anyway better make a plan;

Tomorrow;
Tea for breakfast, apple for recess&lunch, and a quater of a sandwich... now dinner will be at E's, I'm vego and they all <3 meat so I'll probably end up with some salad or carrots.. or pasta. Let's try and avoid pasta.

Thursday;
Tea, apples, then L's house.. hmm.. my cat is so cute. Anyway. L's house. Usually her father buys some tofu when I come over, then fries the tofu and gives it to me. Pretty gross but not very fatty. Though I have voiced my distaste for this dish to L. We'll see. I'll manage.

Friday;
Probably will have to eat a decent breakfast.. fruit for recess and sandwhich for lunch then dinner should be easily avoidable. The problem will be control. For the whole time I'm working at maccas I'll have access to free coke zero though, which I'll have to train myself to like.

Saturday;
I'm working 9-5... I'll have to eat something. Avoid binge avoid binge avoid binge. Ok I am not allowed to buy maccas. I'm going to bring a whole lot of apples and nuts. K. She'll be right. Then I'm working 6am-2pm Sunday. Around maccas so much.. beh. Ok I'm saving money like a bitch so I could just not bring my wallet then.. BAM no maccas. Yeah I'll do that. Ok.. I'll have to just have some apples.

Well this post has been long and boring but I have sorted my head out somewhat.

Love.

We're meant to be seen and not to be understood.

So today I went to school. It was all cool at school.

Did I mention my mother is ginving me $10 for every kilo I lose. Woooohoo.

But anyway bleh. Well I am not motivated enough right now at this second, today went ok, I ate my apples and had my water. And one of my apples was crap so I actually only had one.. Dinner was more than planned though. Healthy 'good fats' though.. but I didn't feel particularly conflicted about it. Although I do feel completely disgusting with this food in me now.... I'm considering going and having a cold shower and throwing up. Cold showers sure are getting a lot of attention lately. But I won't do that. Because I'm not motivated enough to make myself colder than I already am. Which is very cold. So cold.

So some more motivational list.
Food hates me.
It goes all up in my belly and makes me feel like shit.
Tea is yum.
Water is awesome.
I'm fat and ugly.
Mainly fat.
And oily.
I work at maccas. Only thin people can work at maccas without being shit (new rule)
Food costs money, and I have to save for London, and the cruise.
If I am to go on said cruise it will be 10 days of living in swimmers... 6 months to go.
I have a gym membership and its running out and costing money.
Everyone judges me for being lazy/eating.

So. That didn't really work. If anyone knows where I can read 'wasted' online I would be eternally grateful and possibly repay you in sexual favours, I don't believe I could own it in my home without causing suspision. WAIT MELBOURNE. I can buy it from Melbourne and just hide it. Excellent. See otherwise I would have to buy it off the internet and the package arriving for me would be questioned.

Now that I've effectivly avoided all subjects for an entire lengthy posts, I bid you farewell.

Ha! rereading that list in preview did work and I am now off for my shower. Take that you ricey ricey carbs.

Ahem.

-brushes over absence with excuses of homework and what not-
Tommorow;

No breakfast - water
Apple for recess - water
Apple for lunch - water
Apple after school - water
Fuck dinner right up the bum. Maybe soup. Or an apple - water.

With water in between. And the gym. Ze gym. Gym. gyyyym.

Why?
I am going to Melbourne in 10 days.
My formal is this year.
It will make my skin look awesome.
Fat people suck balls. Chocolate salty balls.


Bye guys.

unbeatable deals on our entire range.

hey guys, what's going on?

not much? yeah same.


so.. life is pretty overwhelming.
me and e are going to melbourne. in july. i'm excited. it's just us two, for two nights, in a youth hostel.

ahem. sexual tension anyone?

i love antiques roadshow, they're playing "why does it always rain on me?" whilst it's raining. at the castle. with their antiques. oh my.

anyway, e often jokes of it, in fact just today he said "me and ancora are going to melbourne to consummate our love" when the subject of melbourne came up. fool.

oh! antiques roadshow played "raindrops keep falling on my head" now, the wit! it overwhelms me!
anywho, nothing else is happening besides an over load of homework i'm not doing and food i don't need, i got a gym membership though.

love.

thrown like a stone.

"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neourotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days"

- Sylvia Plath

Sooo... today I worked from 6am til 2pm. Umm.. and am now doing English assignments (ergo the Plath) that I am not going to fail, but am going to do much worse on than I really should.








Does this fruit offend you?

dear bella,

please add my mail box to your collection. you can also have my but/boot/hand, and my friends arm.

my mailbox is quite ugly. now you can all stalk me:) (all 4 of you, ily, you'll probably hate me for saying ily so i'll write it, i love you, but english doesn't have a plural you so i'll have to use italian, i love voi, doesn't really work.)

anyway. here are some nice pictures because i have too much food to write about right now.

scampe

hey there.



























here i am with this new blog that is possibly too pretentious to function.















today i got my hair cut by the thinnest woman ever. she was beautiful. my mother said she had to be anorexic.



i wondered if she judged my obese face, and i wished i could have felt some sort of affinity with her.



and so, i am fasting tomorrow. i have eaten a lot the last days. i am fatfatfatfat.